In the end

I’m drinking tea, I love tea.

I’ve just started my new year of my diploma and I’m more engaged than I was last year. I’m cooking again, making lots of broths and vegetable dishes. By the way I’m a meat lover but it’s nice just eating lots of veg for a time.

The last weeks have been extremely trying but I’m literally doing everything possible to forget what’s happened and what’s ahead. This is massive, I’ve actually grown up. Usually I’d be at the bottom of a bottle every second night or losing all my money alternate nights, so a big step up.

It just proves that you can overcome things even something so personal, just with distractions. Friends, family, work, study and hobbies. Find something or someone, anything so you’re distracted.

Hopefully I can keep this going , I really do!

Lazy bones

Just writing this I’m lethargic as fuck.

I’ve not written anything in at least 10 days so I might as well write a little something. The daily struggle of getting out from your own head and negative thoughts is a challenge, although today it’s mainly why did I stay up so late.

The last two weeks I’ve been odd. Odd dreams odd occurrences. I don’t know what it all means but I’m guessing it can’t be good.

I’m just laughing to myself at work, because outside in the joint car park we have massive pot holes. Cars going over them and pretty much popping springs. I’m not really one for shadenfreude but I just think it’s pathetic that our employer can’t spend just a little money filling the pot holes.

You know what I’m not done…

That’s how I feel now…

Let’s talk about heartbreak shall we, totally different subject. Love it’s complicated right? You can be spoiled for life when your high school crush leads you on so very far, almost to the point of delirium, only to sleep with the fat c**t that opened her legs for anybody and had a personality like the drain cleaner that lingers under your sink. That literally ruined me, I’ve been in very few relationships since, one of which took a peice of my face (nice scar under right eyebrow). A beloved Aunt told me that you’ve not lived until you hearts been broken, it makes you stronger, you shouldn’t be afraid to open yourself up to heartache because it can lead you to the love of your life. I agree, it’s time…..

Not much to say

IMG_1098(1)I’ve not written anything recently, I truly don’t have much to say or want to say.

The world keeps turning, the grass is green and the sky is blue (well if you live in Scotland it’s just grey).

I’ve been drinking more, not saying I have a problem but I’ve felt the need to have a permanent buzz.

I’m sitting in the dark at work well nearly, finishing things that should have been sorted weeks ago, I have a wee light on but it’s just plain depressing being here myself. I miss being part of a team, you hold each other accountable and you just get shit done together

Keep the hope.

You can’t do this

How many times can you be told that ‘you can’t do this’ ?

Personally I’ve been told that more times than I’ve been alive. You hear successful people say that they’ve been put down, laughed at for having an idea or a dream that they want to pursue, come out the other side of it.

It’s not a modern phenomenon, I mean this has been happening for generations. The thing is we just didn’t talk about it. Remember we do live in an era that we’re to talk about our feelings, I believe there are times you need to talk, but the problem is people seem to express it every minute of everyday through social media.

Sometimes things need to be left unsaid.

You know it’s weird I still don’t know what to do, I’m 30. But anytime I have a good thought there’s always someone there to piss on it. They even make sure and bring you down put you in your useless, meaningless, limp existence, torchered place.
Don’t live in your head like me, try not to be a pussy like me. Who honestly gives a fuck what anyone else says, go out and live. Advice for everyone, don’t be me. Don’t be afraid to fail, I think failure makes you better. You need to learn to lose to win at life, makes you humble too!



I’m going to bash parents, I’m not a parent so if you don’t like what I’m saying then I really couldn’t give a shit.

How can a Father belittle his daughter to the point where she’s actually scared to be reunited after a “Sport” session, not using what it actually was I live in a small Borders town. How could he! My friend and I cheered her up because from what we could see she was doing fine. She was so articulate when she said her father had told her she wasn’t putting any effort in and he wasn’t happy, so we gave a spare medal we had and made a fuss, he got cross because she started crying and it took all my strength not to get involved. This little girl was nothing but polite, well mannered and no sign that she a spoiled little princess .

I get that kids are treated like little cherubs now (well I don’t) and they’re never told off (which is pure bullshit)  but this was way to far.

I grew up with heavy discipline (although I’d imagine certain people in my family would disagree) my Mum even now is a force to be reckoned with. But I’ve turned out not to bad, especially personality wise. I was never very confident at anything, still not but it’s okay. She’s done a few unsavoury things once or twice especially if she’s had a drink and that hasn’t been much fun, but I would never accuse her of that kind of mental bashing. She can be mean, but you do get to a point were you just had enough.

I hope that little girl will be okay, I’m sure she will and unlike me get away as quickly as possible away from a negative parent. Sometimes being too harsh and not being even a little attentive can ruin you, believe me there’s benign neglect then there’s just being a mentally debilitating parent!

Little things

It’s always strange to me that the littlest things can set you off.

Usually something very minor can have quite sizemic consequences in your head. I would say I’m hyper sensitive, I’m a total wimp and the epitome of a ‘millennial’ generation. Most other things about me certainly don’t fit into that mould, but truth be told I’m way too sensitive.

Maybe I have had it too easy, surprising considering the strict upbringing I’ve had.
Just little negative comments recently sometimes not even about me have just set me back, but I’ve felt it more, taken it to heart. Seems to be getting worse.

Anyway I did make it through those tough four days without doing anything stupid and have quietly strived ever since, whilst feeling completely helpless.

You know that feeling when you’ve fallen for someone like head over heals that strange pinching in your chest, the tingle you get in your spine, I want to feel that again, maybe the whole in my head can be fixed through the heart.

I’m always a little scared with new relationships, I’m no oil painting and I’ve been hurt before. Cupid at heart really, always love to see others happier than me.


My mind

Typically after only 6 or 7 posts I decided to give up. I’m not entirely sure what I’m trying to achieve here.

I’ve been incredibly sad for the past week, with a spattering of happiness when I’ve been surrounded with people. But when left to my own devices I become a sad ball of flesh, fuelled by alcohol I’m practically detached from the world.

The last 7 days began with me missing my dad terribly and the sadness is an incredible void, but has steadily turned in to “I hate the world” “what’s it ever done for me” kinda state. Pathetic really.

I haven’t got any sage advice for anyone, I’m not imparting any wisdom today.

The next few days will be a challenge, doing lots of work by myself that usually requires at least 3 members of staff isn’t going to help my mood whatsoever, as I’ve said company is a drug for me, being by myself is like cold turkey. So if I make it to next Tuesday without doing something financially stupid, mentally moronic or physically damaging then I know I can get through anything.

When it’s cloudy…

It’s amazing when it’s cloudy how small the world seems. It makes no sense but that’s how I perceive it. Where I live we have so many hills  and ever present cloud it feels very confining. Almost suffocating. Everyone is happier when the sun is out, nothing in the world is more certain. Okay maybe not the whole world but certainly in the UK with our bad weather. 

I know why I feel like this, I know today it’s because there’s no hope. But instead of doing nothing about it, I’m going to force myself out the door, go for a run, read a book, learn something new, go to work and phone a friend. Physically I feel the best I’ve been in months, but it’s the long game I’m worried about. By that I mean my mental health in the long run, it’s constantly in a state of flux.

God I long to wake up with no worries whatsoever and to never feel like this again.

I know despite my unhappiness that there are so many people out there who are in worse positions and who don’t have people round them they can reach out too.

So I write this for you, for everyone who feels the walls crumbling down around them. Please don’t give up, please reach out to someone anyone, reach out and be honest.

Reach out to me, I love speaking to new people and I listen better than most. Stay strong, but don’t suffer alone. I’m with you and there’s a army of us that stand with you.



The last few days have been great, I’ve been very productive and most importantly happy.

But last night everything good faded and I found myself face down wanting everything to end. You can never prepare for when grief hits you, it comes in waves. Mine seem to be 6 months apart oddly.

This year is significant, this year marks twenty years since my Dad died. Most days most weeks I’m fine, but that sudden shot of sadness can be near fatal.

Speaking with a friend whose has been through the same significant loss, helped me in my hour of need. I think speaking to anyone and actually being truthful about your sadness is the best option, it’s not good to keep it all in, it can be a suffocating mess.

Please don’t suffer in silence, the pain will win otherwise.

Dealing with negativity


All my life I’ve had some kind of negative person or negative comments thrown at me. I think most people do, they’re just better at overcoming them than I me. Well finally today for the first time in 30 years I’ve had enough, so in turn I’ve had one of the most productive day’s that I can remember. Perhaps the good weather helped too I don’t know, by the way I live in Scotland so any beautiful warm day in July is always welcome.

I think I was just pushed too far and instead of retreating into my shell, I strode out with childish endeavour. I feel like a new woman honestly, this might sound pathetic to some but to people like me who are shy, quiet, anxious, depressed it is possible to feel like God has given you that hug you’ve needed for ages and told you ‘go on you’ll be fine, you can do this, I believe in you’. By all means I’m not religious but that’s how uplifted I feel.

I won’t bore you with everything I’ve done today but learning something new, doing some exercise (it’s been a while) and eating relatively healthy has and will continue to make the difference. They say that exercise is good for the soul and up until I was 21 that was so true, notably in the 9 years since stopping most forms of everyday exercise (I exclude walking the dogs) I’ve gained a massive amount of weight, been depressed and picked up one or two unsavoury habits. There’s got to be a connection there.

Don’t worry this isn’t me going to persuade or sell fitness to you, but it’s worth no just thinking about exercise but DOING instead.




Don’t let anyone stand in your way

This is a short blog.


Do not and  I mean under any circumstances let your nearest and dearest stop you from what your passionate about. So what if they scoff in your face and say that you’ll never be successful at it, you will if you work and grind. They’re only like this because they aren’t fulfilled.

Take it from me, I have a family like that. Not all of them, but I have taken the step of cutting ties with them. That’s extreme I know but it just got to much. I’m not saying don’t speak to your family ever again, but if your closest relatives are like that, you need to question is it really worth it in the long run.

Just know that you’ve got this and despite what anyone might say or do, you can be a master of your craft. I can say this and it’s easy to say but why not put it into practice, why not? Go create something beautiful and bigger than yourself.



What’s my motivation?


Truly it differs from day to day. Honestly though most days are a battle, trying my best to get through 24 hours emotionally unscathed would be a unmatched achievement.

What I am finding motivational is doing these blogs everyday. There typically is more to my day but it’s one of the less mundane jobs.


Having a purpose, having an absorbing errand really makes a difference. Anyone out there like me, I encourage you to find something, even if you think you’ll be shit at it, give it a go despite any misgivings. IT MIGHT TURN OUT TO BE THE BEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE.

Then after you’ve found something go out and find yourself a task to go with it. Nothing wrong with having two or three little projects going on, it’s literally working for me. I took on a Open University diploma last year and I’m really enjoying it. I never thought I’d ever want to study again but it’s well worth it.

I think certainly over the past year I’ve started to look at myself more positively and with patience and thought it’s possible for others like me to feel the same. It’s just up to you if you want to take that step. No pressure, just looking out for my fellow hopeful soul.


Good people are good for the soul

The last two days have been lovely, no negative thoughts, no anxiety, I’ve just felt completely refreshed with good thoughts. Despite the fact I’m beyond tired, laughing until you cry is like soup for the soul.

I’ve had two very long days and have been working elsewhere which is always a nice change during the summer. I’ve had the pleasure of being surrounded with so many different characters, which is a welcome change.

There is nothing better for me than to be around good people, it automatically lifts my spirits and changes my outlook on life. There’s nothing worse than being stuck either at home or at work alone. I mean my whole working life I’ve been part of a team and when I started this particular job I was mostly with other people.

But due to cost cutting and staff shortages the past 6 months in particular have been especially lonely, more so during the week. I don’t take well to it whatsoever, no one should ever get used to it either, it’s almost soporific.

People are meant to be with other people, reach out to someone you think is alone and show them it’s actually possible to like the world around them. Yes it’s bloody scary at times and you always come across someone that makes you want to hide in your shell, but for the most part there are so many warm people and they’re not as far away as you may think. First step: get out and go for a walk, you never know who you’ll meet.

The last two days have been a gentle reminder of how lucky I am, despite having a job that drains me and thinking my life at times is beyond mundane, being around people that I like and like me is particularly soulful! 


Awareness, entitlement and loss


Today I got brave, really really brave. I actually linked this blog to my social media pages. Which for someone like me is a massive step, considering I’m not a raging beauty, have thousands of pounds of cash strewn on a bed or a villa in Tuscany. By the way the latter would be amazing.

But really deep down I’m terrified how my friends and family are going to perceive this. It’s from the heart, real, deep and personal. But actually it’s very raw. To them I say: honesty is the best policy, forgive the cheesy line but  I just can’t keep my worries inside anymore it’s just killing me and if sharing my words can possibly help one person who shares the same anxieties and insecurities as me feels worth it. Remember this isn’t for you, it’s not for me either it’s for the greater good.


Why oh why do especially young people think they’re so entitled. Welcome to the real fucking world, if you’re picky about shifts you won’t get anymore, you want to do your dream job straight away at the age of 18 yet you haven’t served an apprenticeship, when did this become a thing? “I want to be a gym instructor” but I’m not willing to put in the work, cause that’s all I see, a lack of fucking work. Ben Francis the creator of Gym Shark didn’t just wake up one day and owning the largest growing business in the UK, and massive warehouse were he stocked his gym wear brand, no he grafted, every day for years until everything clicked. I see so many young people who have so much potential fail because they are completely entitled spoilt brats, no matter what background they’re from. This is a criticism, but it can be easily adjusted, because I don’t want to see young people fail, I want them to be better than I was, they just need guidance. It’s a big world out there and it’s failing a lot of us. I want it to be different. It has to be better than it is…


I heard a peice on BBC radio 4 this morning, talking about people under the age of 25 and the high suicide rate, I was saddened but I wasn’t surprised. I was rushing for work this morning so I will look up the article because it’s an important subject. Life is either a blessing or a burden.

A guy called Brandon Rogers who you may have seen on Facebook, he was the very handsome doctor who sung, really talented. He’d just been on America’s got talent. Well he passed away a month ago. So shocking, so young and he had everything laid out. He did so much in such little time. Life can go by too quick, so maybe it’s worth just giving something a go and not giving a shit about what anybody thinks, becoming more than you thought you could be and bringing something better to someone else’s life.


I want to bury my head

Remember the part in yesterday’s blog were I said that I’d like to impart wisdom, well I do, I just don’t buy into my own advice. It’s easier to give it out and encourage other’s to be better, but if you’re like me the thought of being judged or ridiculed is almost suffocating.

I work with a lot of late teen early twenty something’s and I enjoy their company. I’ve made some lovely friends over the years and some have quite rightly moved on to bigger and better things.

But I was speaking to a friend today and he’s got so much god given marketing and computing talent, but like me he feels paralysed by his peers around him. It makes me sad to hear that, so I did spend a little time trying to encourage him into creating a business or at least taking a course.

Afterwards I couldn’t help but feel like “who the fuck am I” to push him into something he doesn’t feel comfortable doing. Just because I haven’t had the courage or support in the past or maybe the confidence to explore alternatives and create something bigger than myself, who am I to speak.

Maybe I’m just over thinking this, I’m sure he appreciated the support but Id like to bury my head just now. You see it’s more shame on my part, I’ve never fully realised any potential I might have, I’d rather spend the day in bed or sitting in a chair procrastinating or watching everyone else leading the kind of life I want to lead on YouTube. Side note, there are some really great channel’s out there. I’m really enjoying ‘Create and Go’ right now, really insightful content.

So I’ve buried my head for the past few hours and suddenly come to the realisation that I should continue to blog for me, my friend and people who feel the same way, not having the courage, confidence and support that other’s maybe do. We can do it, it’s possible I know it is, I wouldn’t be writing this otherwise.

I personally have to learn to turn my brain off and stop thinking I’m the problem. I need to get out of my own head and start living a little otherwise it will be gone before I know it.

I want to do this for you, I need to this for you and me. You need to know there’s lot’s of us out there and we share a common theme. It shouldn’t be a shame, I want beautiful thinkers and quiet shy anxious men and women to know they can have a voice. Because for some reason more than ever there seems to be legions of us, the world is a different place these day’s, no way are we going to be left behind.




The fear, anxiety and true friends

This has taken me all day, I can’t do this, I can’t find the motivation, I want food especially the kind that sticks to my ever-growing hips, oh look a sweet puppy video. Just a few excuses I’ve used since 8am.

God I’m hungary all the time, I don’t care that i’m 14 stone and getting increasingly more lethargic, it’s not like that guy over there is going to check me out or your so-called inner circle of friends who act more like a outer circle of friends really care about my wellbeing.

Well speaking a few years later, I’m still hungry, i’m still 14 stone and i’m still pretty lethargic. That being said I have surrounded myself with a small group of really good friends, people who make you laugh, tell you what’s what and support you to no end. It’s not a massive group and yes there are times I still feel alone because I don’t want to talk about my shit and bring everyone down. I’m the one they come too. Not just friends you know, colleagues, acquaintances, sometimes family. I like to think that I was put on this planet to make everyone smile, listen to their problems and generally take care of everything, whilst deep down i’m screaming. But there’s so many people like me its a trend. The soul of the group but the hope to feel not so alone.

Sorry I’ve lost my train of thought, not a great start. My point is to anyone in life especially youngsters who have thousands of friends on Facebook, do you really have that many true friends? Or is it just someone you met outside a play park when you were like 10 and you’re all grown up now and that boy is the son of your mum’s friend who lives down the street but who you don’t really like, but just so you can add one more friend just to prove to everyone at school that you’re the big shit and you are a social media Goddess or God. Let me tell you now, when you go to Uni but honestly into your first job, nobody gives a FUCK!! But that’s no your fault that’s what you’ve been taught. and you are exposed too, peer pressure ‘you must have this to be cool’. I get being a kid and that’s what they do now, but it really is true, no one cares about numbers in the real world. I care if you aren’t fulfilled though, because there’s so much to truly enjoy out there. Go out into the world, start a job, travel meet REAL people. I’ve learnt more real world shit just from the job’s I’ve had, being polite to a stranger in a shop who admires the same shirt you liked, speaking to a homeless man on the street, than anything i learnt from television.  These youngsters are going to be looking after me one day, but I’m not going to put them down because that’s what society want’s, a label. Millennial, Baby Boomers, Foodies and so on and so forth, trying to divide us and it’s working thus far. I think future generation’s have the opportunity to turn this shit around, stand up and be counted but i want to help them get there first, not be part of the problem. Sidenote i’m 30, i was born in ’87 , everyone hates my generation, I mean really hates it. Past generations have given us no hope, put us down chewed us up and spat us out. I’m just someone who’s taken that real personally and now it’s time to overcome.

Enough now Kanch.

As I speak there are ant’s crawling about my work desk and I’m waiting patiently for a customer to vacate the building. Cause you see it’s been an extra long day for me…. All 3 hours worth, ahh the summer quiet times.

Anyway real talk over.